If you’re anything like me, you hate to let people down. You will tie yourself in knots to avoid saying ‘no’ to someone’s face.
You hate to disappoint them, you hate to be the bearer of bad news, you hate to be the one to crush their dreams.
So you say yes. To everything. Even when it inconveniences you. Even when you literally can’t fit another thing into your schedule. Even when you have to make sacrifices.
And does saying yes make you happy? At first, maybe. Being the source of someone else’s joy, relief, or gratitude can be exhilarating. But fairly soon you find yourself overwhelmed, overworked, and underappreciated.
Don’t get me wrong, in this individualistic world, putting other people’s needs first can be a revolutionary act. But it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own wellbeing.
One of my favourite ways to illustrate this is the oxygen mask analogy. You know on planes when they say that you should put on your own oxygen mask before helping others? Try applying that to your everyday life.
If you want to help people, you are a wonderful person, and deserve praise for it. But you can’t help anyone if you are barely holding it together yourself. It is impossible to say yes to everyone without having a negative impact on your own wellbeing.
You might find yourself working unpaid overtime at work because your boss desperately needs the help. Now instead of that long soak in the bath this evening, you have to have a quick shower.
You might agree to take on the majority of care for your aging parent, even though your siblings live closer and have fewer commitments. Now you have no time to make a proper meal and end up living on takeaways and microwave meals.
You might cover for someone who is lying, even though you know it is the wrong thing to do. Now you are eaten up by guilt and can’t talk to anyone about it.
It’s a sad truth that if you say yes often enough, there will be people who take advantage of that. People come to expect that you will help them, and don’t even pause to consider how their request might affect you. They will also push to see how much they can get away with, how much they can ask you to do.
Other people’s behaviour is not your fault, but there are things to do to protect yourself against being taken advantage of by your more unscrupulous acquaintances.
When deciding whether to say yes or no to a request, it might help to consider the following…
1. Is this person in genuine need?
2. Do you have the time and energy to help them with their request?
3. Would agreeing to this request cause you more inconvenience or sacrifice than could reasonably be expected?
You may find it difficult to answer these questions. How do you determine whether someone’s need is genuine or not? How do you know when you should make time for someone? How can you tell the difference between lacking energy and lacking motivation? What is a reasonable amount of inconvenience or sacrifice to make for a friend?
There are no easy answers to these questions, it comes down to the individual. If you struggle to make these distinctions, you may find it helpful to talk it through with a counsellor.
What I’m talking about here is boundaries. It’s a word that is often thrown around, but seemingly rarely understood. Boundaries aren’t about safe spaces or triggers, they aren’t about telling people what they can and can’t do.
Boundaries are the understanding and enforcement of your personal values. You can’t make other people change their behaviour; you can only change how you respond to behaviours that go against your values.
To put boundaries in place, you need to understand what your values are. Start by asking yourself these questions:
1. What is my ideal ratio of time spent on myself and on other people?
2. What is my understanding of friendship/relationships?
3. What character traits do I admire, and what do I dislike?
4. How do I treat other people, and how do I expect other people to treat me?
5. What helps me to replenish my resources of energy and wellbeing?
People find it hard to put boundaries in place because they don’t know themselves well enough to know where those boundaries should be. It isn’t something someone else can tell you because it is so closely tied to our personal experience and identity.
I can say this, though. If you’re the type of person who finds it hard to say no, and you constantly find yourself burnt out, you may need to work on your boundaries. Trust me, people will forgive you for saying no once in a while, and if they don’t, they were probably not good people to have in your life anyway.
Take care,
Charlotte
Comentarios